


Second Thoughts

by eelegantlyeevil



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-23
Updated: 2013-06-23
Packaged: 2017-12-15 22:42:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/854814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eelegantlyeevil/pseuds/eelegantlyeevil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry and Draco have not only become friends from Hogwarts but that friendship has evolved into a bonding.  Unfortunately nothing lasts forever.  Or does it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Second Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Author Name: [eelegantlyeevil](http://eelegantlyeevil.livejournal.com/)  
> Prompter: heartbreakgirls  
> Prompt No: 103  
> Title: Second Thoughts  
> Pairing(s): Harry/Draco,mentions of Ron/Hermione and Snape  
> Summary: Harry and Draco have not only become friends from Hogwarts and that friendship has evolved into a bonding. Unfortunately nothing lasts forever. Or does it?  
> Rating: R  
> Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended.  
> Warning(s): None other than this is written by breathy first time author.  
> Epilogue compliant? *covers ears* “I can’t hear you”  
> Word Count:  
> Author's Notes: Apologies for Tardiness. As a first time FF author, I thought I would be in control of my muse. Ah! Muses, they be bitches don’t they? This is a series of letters between Draco and Harry; Draco and Severus; Harry and Hermione. I tried to work everything from the prompt into the story. I wasn’t able to work everything in, but I think I hit most of them and apologize if I have deviated too far from the prompt. I have not seen the movie mentioned in the prompt so that, sadly, is missing. I hope you enjoy my first attempt at fan fiction. Beta’d by the wonderful “S.” You are wonderful and any remaining mistakes are my own.
> 
> Thank you to the wonderful mods who ran this fest. Smooches to you.
> 
> To those of you who write on a regular basis, I stand in awe.

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

June 7, 2008

 

My Dear Draco,

 

I guess this it.

 

Who would have thought that we would ever be married, hell, who would have thought we would ever be friends?  Well, I suppose stranger things have happened haven’t they?  They certainly have in my life anyway.  I am sorry that things have come to this point but I really do think it is for the best.  Looking back on it though we did have some good times didn’t we?

 

I can’t believe that you are the same snarky git that I met at Madame Maulkin’s all those years ago when we were first years.  We have both changed so much.  I am so glad that I returned your wand that day and even more glad that you invited me in for tea.  From what I thought were small moments a great relationship was born.  No matter what happens in the future I know that we will always be connected and emotionally bonded.  How could we not after everything we have been through?

 

The Manor was beautiful the day we were bonded.  The gardens, flowers,food and champagne even the peacocks were perfect!  (I know that your mum was upset about the leather boots I wore, but I figured why not - who could see them under my robes?)

 

Do your remember that time that your father sent you to Wales to check on one of his businesses there.  Lucius Malfoy, gentleman sheep farmer?!?  My mind can hardly wrap itself around that picture.  Don’t miss the sheep shit on those leather boots of my mine.  It was a wonderful time, the cliffs, the sea the wonderful sunsets and people.

 

Or our honeymoon in Barcelona.  It seems we spent more time in bed then we did seeing that beautiful city.  (Sorry about your fair skin getting so sunburned -- when people talk about “sunny Spain” they aren’t kidding.)  What a time we had in that bed! I am surprised that the hotel manager did not come up to our room or leave a discreet note asking us to keep the noise level down.

 

Enough of the walk down memory lane.  I wanted to let you know that I have removed my things from the Manor.  I have found a flat just off Diagon Alley that will suit me.  Smaller and not so large a life as living in the Manor.  I guess I will never be able to shake the Dursley’s cupboard will I?

 

(Don’t roll your eyes you will get wrinkles in that perfect forehead of yours).

 

Anyway, I hope that we will be able to move past this and remains friends (isn’t that a cliche?)  but I do hope so. Kingsley has me leaving on special assignment so I will be out of communication for awhile.

 

Anyway, here is the key and now that I have moved my stuff out, you can change the wards.

 

Love, your soon to be ex bonded,

 

HJP

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

June 8, 2008

 

Severus,

 

How is Durmstrang?  Did you really decide to continue teaching potions (do you still give the same first year speech about knowing how to stopper death?  You should, you are living proof.)  I would have thought that you would have taken the DA position.  I mean its Durmstrang.  You could teach Dark Arts and not the defense of Dark Arts.

 

Well he did it.  Harry actually went to a solicitor to inquire about dissolving our bond.  I got an owl from him yesterday telling me that he has moved out of the Manor.  After everything we went through to even get married, he now seems so willing to throw it all away.  (I can see that your eyebrow is up into your hairline and your eyes roll from here -- please refrain from saying, “I told you so.”)

 

I can’t believe that after wanting his friendship since I was 11 years old, I finally get it, and more, only to have it all turn to hippogriff shit.

 

Apparently Harry is operating under some misconception that I bonded with him out of some misguided sense of obligation.  Obligation!  Can you believe that?  He should know better.  He should know that Slytherins never act out of a sense of obligation.  If anything we make sure that others act out of a sense of obligation to us!  He should know that Slytherins act out of a sense of their own self interest.   Umm, on second thought I am not sure that Harry would view that as any better.  Probably not.

 

Anyway, Harry seems to have gotten it into his head that our relationship is based on a sense of obligation I feel for everything that he has done to help me and my family and that I felt obligated to become his friend after he returned my wand after he killed the Dark Lord (just so you know, I am shuddering because I hear Harry in my head telling me to say VOLDEMORT). .. (well okay, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort. . . still shuddering here so please excuse any mistakes in the penmanship).  As I was saying, Harry seems to think that I was only acting out of some sort of pureblood sense of obligation when I invited him to tea when he returned my wand.  Well, maybe that was true.  I must admit to feeling grateful to him for helping me and my mother and he did go out of his way to help Father. I wasn’t obligated to invite him back for tea for the second, third or fourth time, or for drinks in Hogsmeade and I wasn’t obligated to invite him to a quidditch match and I certainly wasn’t obligated to return his kiss when he screwed up his Gryfinndor courage and invited me to dinner and I was certainly not acting out of a sense of obligation when I kissed him back.  I mean, really, after he looked at me with those amazing green eyes of his right and proceed to put his tongue down my throat what was I supposed to do?

 

*sigh*

 

Wait, a minute, is that a gagging noise I hear?  Gagging and eye rolling really Severus?  Where is your Slytherin mask?

 

Harry has decided that, (with encouragement from Granger and the Weasel, I am sure) I married him out of a sense of obligation and that we should have time apart to work on our careers and see other people.  I really think that Harry thinks that people only want to be with him because they think that they owe for being the Savior (and all that rot).  (Did you follow that?) I think that the only people that he has a real relationship with may be the Weasel and Granger.  That certainly isn’t true in my case, I really did fall for the guy but I can see how he might think that -- most everybody in his life wanted or wants something from him -- Dursleys to be their house elf, Dumbledore for him to die, the Weasleys to marry Ginny and on it goes.  He also seems to think that if our love is the “real deal” (what an awful Muggle way of labeling a relationship) that we will see our way through this and get back together.  I haven’t been able to convince him otherwise.  Of course, you have to be able to talk to someone face to face in order to work things out.  Harry dropped his bomb and then head to out after receiving an emergency floo call from Kingsley.

 

Fuck. Fuckity fuckity fuck.  Don’t bother saying it Severus.  “Language Mr. Malfoy, Language.”  There I said it for you.

 

What I am I going to do?  Maybe I should head back to Barcelona do that thing that Muggles do with the bulls.  I would even do it without magic.  Getting gored by a bull may be less painful than going through the pain of separation and there would be something delightfully ironic about ending it all where our life began.

 

Don’t worry, I am not serious (not much anyway).

 

Your godson, who is in danger of turning into a Hufflepuff and thereafter disowned by generations of snooty (and rightfully so) Malfoys,

 

DM

Malfoy Manor

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

June 9, 2008

 

Draco,

 

Please.

 

Severus Snape

Potions Master

Professor of Potions

Durmstrang School of Wizarding and Witchcraft

 

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

June 11, 2008

 

Hermione,

 

I am sending you this owl because things are just too painful to talk about face to face.  I am afraid I will start crying and never stop.  I am also an assignment at the moment and Kingsley seems none too keen on having his Aurors distracted while on assignment.  Wouldn’t the Prophet just love that - I can see headline now, “Harry Potter, Savior of Wizarding World, Vanquisher of Voldemort, Breaks Down While on Assignment!”

 

The assignment has me in America of all places! New York City. I can’t discuss too many of the details, but I can tell you that we have received word that some escaped Death Eaters may be dealing Dark Artifacts in the Black Market here in America.  I have been working with the equivalent of the Auror corp here in New York City --- they seem to be pretty good blokes but we really haven’t turned up much yet.

 

Mione, you would love it here.  Museums, libraries, the theatre and even though Ron is a rabid Quidditch fan, I think he would love American football.  Its not anything like soccer.  I haven’t had a chance to see much of the city but it seems brilliant.

 

I did it.  I have told Draco that we need to separate and eventually dissolve the bond so that we can see other people if we want to.  Draco was pretty upset.  I don’t think he realizes that I overheard his conversation with Pansy and Blaise.  It was pretty hard listening to them questioning Draco about why he married me and him not coming up with any type of response.  I just couldn’t bring myself to confront him at the time.  I guess I got what I deserved by eavesdropping on his conversation behind a closed door.

 

We really didn’t have much of a chance to talk but I tried to tell Draco that if, after a separation, he still wanted to get back together, I would do so in a heartbeat.  I know that my feelings for Draco are the real deal, but after the conversation I heard, I am not so sure about Draco’s.

 

It was so hard listening to Pansy and Blaise tell Draco that they thought that he had become my friend out of some sense of obligation because he felt that he owed me.  Don’t they know that if anybody owed anything to anybody, I owed his mother for saving my life when she lied to Voldemort and told him I was dead?  After all this time?  Really?  Its been been 10 years since the battle and defeat of Voldemort.  Surely any sense of obligation, if it even it existed, would have passed?  Can love develop on its own even if it started out of a sense of obligation.  Fuck, I am so confused.  My feelings were real but were his?  Was Draco acting only out of sense of obligation or trying to redeem the Malfoy name?

 

Fuck! I am so confused and so screwed.

 

I hope that this will all work out.  I mean it will one way or the other.  Won’t it?

 

Do I really want to do this?

 

HJP

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

June 12, 2008,

 

Dear Draco,

 

I am still on assignment.  I wish I could talk to you.  I want to remain friends even if we cannot stay bonded.  There is so much to say and I know that I did not really give you much of a chance.  Hell, I did not give you any chance.  I know that we have a lot to say to each other (if you can get past wanting to hex me) and this assignment comes at a terrible time.

 

Please tell me you will let me talk to you when I get back.

 

Confused and having second thoughts,

 

Love,

 

HJP

 

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

June 13, 2008

 

Harry,

 

Your assignment seems to have lasted a long time.  Is everything okay?  How is it going?  I know, I know you can’t tell me all the details about the trafficking in Dark Art Artifacts and I should know better than to ask since I do work with the Unspeakables in the DOM, but I am worried about you.  Going off on assignment while your personal life is in such turmoil doesn’t seem to be such a good idea.

 

Ron and I are doing well although we never seem to have any time alone any more.  I knew that Molly was elated when Rose came along, but I had no idea that she would be at our house all the time and I do mean ALL the time.  Still, its nice to know that Rose is in good hands when Ron and I are at work.  Did Ron tell you that he and George are expanding WWW.  A space has opened up in Hogsmeade -- I hope that your assignment will be finished in time for the grand opening.

 

I have enclosed a copy of your “divorce” papers.  These are not the final papers.  These are preliminary papers outlining the grounds for the dissolution of the bond and division of property.  Both of you entered into your bonding with quite a bit of property and accumulated even more during the time you were married so the division was pretty detailed.  I tried to respect your wishes and let the solicitor know that you would not want to take anything from the bonding that was not yours prior to.  Are you really sure about that?  When going over the list of possessions that Draco’s solicitor drew up it looked as though there were some items that would have sentimental value.  As much as it pains me to say this, but I was wrong about about Malfoy - Draco - and I know that you and he shared some really good times together.  Don’t you want to take something with you to remember them?

 

I wasn’t there when Draco received his initial papers but from what Dean tells me, he looked pretty shocked - and for a Slytherin that is saying something.  I don’t think he thought you would really go through with the dissolution.  It does seem a pretty drastic step when you did not discuss the reasons why you felt the way you did.    I haven’t heard anything about Patty and Blaise’s reaction.  I hope that they are happy with themselves.

 

I agree I am sure that this will all work out, one way or the other, once you have had a chance to move on and look back with a little perspective.

 

Hermione

 

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

June 15, 2008

 

Hermione,

 

Thank you for sending the paperwork although sending them to me while I was on assignment may not have been the best idea that you ever had.   Distracting and all that, you know.  Looking over the paperwork just brought home how real and final this all may be.  Am I doing the right thing?  Merlin on a pogo stick (you may be one of the few people in wizarding Britain that knows what a pogo stick is), this is sooooo tough.

 

Hopefully once Draco has been able to gain a little perspective, he will realize that this was for the best.  I just hope I do as well.  I did tell you about eavesdropping on Draco’s conversation with Blaise and Pansy didn’t I?  How they were talking about Draco being with me out of obligation.  I wanted Draco to shout to the rooftops that they were wrong, but that didn’t happen and right now I just can’t get past the fact that he didn’t say anything when they confronted him.  I couldn’t hang around after that  I stayed just long enough to tell Draco I wanted to separate and dissolve the bond and then  I disapparated right through the wards.  I didn’t go back until I knew that Draco was at work before I moved my stuff from our rooms at the Manor. I know I should have given him the opportunity to explain the conversation and what was going on, but I was just so shocked that after all this time that Pansy and Blaise would even doubt our relationship and the feelings that Draco and I have for each other that my mind just kind of froze.  It stayed frozen when I realized that Draco did not jump to our defense.  Maybe I should have considered that Draco’s mind was just as frozen?

 

I want to talk to Draco when I get home and give him the chance that I should have before I left for this assignment.

 

Speaking of the assignment, the American Aurors and I still have not been able to uncover who is responsible for the Dark Arts trafficking but we do have leads.  The leads have not panned out and I am afraid that the longer I am stuck here, the more remote my chances of righting the wrong with Draco will become.

 

Hanging on by a thread,

 

HJP

 

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

June 15, 2008

 

Dear Severus,

 

It was wonderful seeing you!  I think if I could do things over, I would have preferred to go to Durmstrang.  Freezing cold though.  No wonder Victor Krum showed up to Hogwarts wearing such heavy clothes, earmuffs and its students taught to breath fire.  I can’t imagine what the cold would do to your bits if you were to walk outside without proper protection.  Do you suppose they just shrink up into nothingness?

 

I must say, you looked wonderful.  There must be something about the cold that agrees with you (as would escaping death I imagine).  

 

Anyway, when I returned to London I was met by my solicitor and given a copy of the papers that will start the process to dissolve my bond with Harry and then I got an owl from Harry asking me for a chance to talk about what is going on.  Wish he had thought of that before he started this whole process.

 

Perhaps you are right, now that Harry has made this decision for the both of us, I should take advantage of my new status as a single man (well almost single man)  and see what’s out there.  I don’t think I am one for one-offs though.  If I learned anything from Harry, it’s this -- I do want a relationship.  I want to make a home with someone who I can love (like I love Harry and who I thought loved me) and build a family.

 

I hear from the Ministry grapevine that he is on some type of assignment involving the trafficking of Dark Art Artifacts.  Hopefully it is not the type of assignment that will land him in St. Mungo’s.  He has been there too often.  Have you heard anything about such trafficking?  I know that Durmstrang does not frown upon the Dark Arts in the same way Hogwarts did, so maybe the students and their parents are more open about the practice and acquiring of such artifacts?

 

Will you be in London anytime soon?  I would love to see you for dinner again.

 

Recovering,

 

DM

Malfoy Manor

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

June 16, 2008

 

Hermione,

 

I cannot begin to tell you how frustrating this assignment is.  Every time we seem to get a lead, it goes nowhere.  If i did not know better, I would say we were being fed false leads just to keep our wheels spinning.

 

How are you, Ron and my goddaughter Rose.  Is Molly still driving you crazy?  Merlin, I miss her cooking.

 

I am starting to rethink my decision to separate and begin the process to dissolve the bond.  I mean, like you said, Draco and I had some really good times and seemed to have a good thing going.  After overcoming our obstacles at Hogwarts, we really did get to be good friends before we decided to bond. I know you and Ron had doubts right up until the time we got married (and maybe even afterwards?) but Draco and I really have a lot in common when you think about it:  both of us had expectations foisted upon us through no choice of our own, both of us are each other’s opposite.  I mean beside the obvious black hair vs. blonde hair; light magic vs dark magic, when you think about it, when you put those thing together, they made a whole.  Did you ever see the movie Rocky?  Its like when when Rocky is asked what he sees in Adrian, he says “gaps.”  Gaps?  Yeah, Gaps I have gaps Adrian has gaps together we fill each other gaps.”

 

You know me, I am a moron when it comes to wizarding culture.  (Binns was useless.)  Draco knows practically everything.  I am awful at potions, Draco a master.  I am good a defending the Dark Arts and Draco teaches me what I should be on the look out for when it comes to Dark Wizards. I must be the straightest gay man I know when it comes to fashion and Draco knows everything (speaking of fashion, did you know that New York holds a a “fashion week.”  Hosted by some posh automobile company.  Draco would be in heaven).

 

Like I said “gaps.”

 

I don’t think, despite what Blaise and Pansy say, that Draco was with me out of a sense of obligation.  I would like to think we filled each other gaps  Not to mention the fact that if anybody were to be with anybody out of a sense of obligation, it would be me.  Narcissa did save my life afterall when she lied to Voldemort.

 

What have I done?  Fuck me.

 

I only hope that when I get off his never ending assignment that Draco will let me make it up to him.  I think after everything I have put him through that he will let me kiss his ass.  I am hoping so anyway.

 

Having second thoughts,

 

HJP

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

June 16, 2008

 

Dearest Draco,

 

I am sure that you have heard through the ministry grapevine that I am on assignment so I am sorry that I am not able to talk to you face to face.

 

What can I say, I am so sorry that I have put you through the pain of a separation and the dissolution of the bond.  I reckon I owe it to you why I accused you of basing our relationship on obligation and not love.  I know that purebloods have married people for the purpose of establishing mutually advantageous alliances and I started thinking that you may have married me if not for an alliance but out of a sense of obligation.  I know that might not seem to make sense but not everything that anybody does makes sense to other people.

 

I wonder if it would have been better if I thought that we had bonded because we always had mind blowing sex?  We could have bonding based on sex.  I hear plenty of people do.  I wonder why people say mind blowing?  I mean in our case, it would be better to say, cock or dick blowing sex? Or even ass kissing sex. Remember that time I had you in your father’s library bent over that massive desk of his?  Damn, I can see your ass in the air, all white and perfect and waiting just for me.  I really did think you were going to come out of your skin when I licked you and fucked you into that desk.  I am about ready to come out of my skin just remembering it.  You really do have the perfect ass and body.  I wouldn’t have thought it when I saw you in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom, or when I returned your wand, but you do know how to keep your secrets and your body was surely one of them.

 

Is it possible to get off having “owl sex?”  I will be right back.

 

Back now, had to excuse myself to take care of some business and take a cold shower.

 

Getting back to business here, I would really like to see you when I get back from this assignment,  I hope that you will give me a chance to tell you why I started feeling as though our relationship was not built on love but rather a sense of obligation (I said that already didn’t I?)  Since I am not sure when this assignment will be finished I guess I can I can give you a hint and ask you if you remember your conversation with Blaise and Pansy the last time they came over for a visit.

 

Sorry I am not able to share too many details about my assignment and I do have to get back to work but I wanted to let you know that I miss you I hope that you will let me take you to dinner when I get back so that we can talk about whether or not we can move forward and put our life back together.

 

Hoping you will give me a chance,

 

Yours lovingly,

 

HJP

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

June 16, 2008

 

Dearest Severus,

 

I am so glad you could make it to London.  My mother and I enjoyed our dinner with you at the Manor and hope that you will be able to do so again -- and soon.

 

I have heard from Harry, several times in fact.  He has been on special assignment for the Ministry and its been a week since he dropped his little bombshell.  He is now having second thoughts.  How typical of Gryffindors taking action before thinking things through.  Always assuming that what is good for them will be good for everyone else. (Unlike Slytherins who really don’t much care what is good for other eh Severus).

 

Harry wants to get together so he can discuss why he felt that I had been with him out of a sense of obligation.  I am not sure that I want to give him that chance.  I think it might be too late for that -- if he had given me the chance to discuss his feelings before he making his pronouncement, I might feel differently.  But to jump to that conclusion without even discussing it with me?  How could he think that I was with him out of obligation?  I love him and he just made a pronouncement without giving us a chance.  Not to be a drama queen or anything, but I was blindsided and pretty fucking hurt.

 

I worked so hard to be worthy of Harry’s love and I was stunned into speechlessness when he said what he said.  The same speechless I experienced when Blaise and Pansy started questioning the reasons I was with Harry. Obligation.  Ummm.  Interesting.  Harry asked me if I remembered what happened the last time I saw Blaise and Pansy.  Obligation.

 

Oh shit.  I wonder if Harry heard our conversation.  He must have.  I was so shocked by Pansy’s accusation that I think I was speechless and couldn’t think of a response or snarky comeback. (That should tell you how shocked I was when that cow Pansy let fly with her accusation).  I can’t believe that after 10 years and everything that Harry and I have been through that they wouldn’t know better.  You would think that Harry would know better.  If Harry thought my silence was a tacit agreement with what Pansy said, no wonder he jumped to the conclusion that he did.  Crap.

 

On the other hand, Harry should have talked it out.  He should have given me no, us, a chance.

 

When do you think you will be able to make it to London again?  I can’t talk about this by owl.  How would you feel if I invited myself to Durmstrang?

 

Weighing my options,

 

DM

 

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

August 15, 2008

 

Dear Harry,

 

I know that you are still on assignment, but when was the last time you owled Draco?  I know that you sent him an owl and invited him to dinner when you get back but have you owled him since?  Come to that, I can’t remember when the last time you owled me.  Starting to get a little worried here.

 

Anyway, I wanted you to hear this before you got back from your assignment.  Draco is seeing someone.  I am not really sure who although it looks as though he might be seeing someone at Durmstrang.  Merlin! I wonder if it could be Snape?  I know that Snape did not consider that returning to Hogwarts an option.  It would have been filled with too many painful memories for him so when the position came up at Durmstrang, he jumped out it.  I don’t blame him.  Putting distance between himself and England seems to have been good idea.  I would have thought he would have been offered the position teaching the Dark Arts but I hear that he is still teaching potions.

 

Well, whatever.

 

I know that you were hoping that you and Draco could talk things through, but it appears it might be too late for that.

 

I am sorry to be sending you disturbing news, but I thought you should know before you got back.

 

When are you getting back?

 

Worried for you,

 

Hermione

 

PS

 

Ron says you are better off without the pointy git.  Surprise there uh?

 

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

August 20, 2008

 

Dear Hermione,

 

Snape?  Well, that would figure, and I only have myself to blame don’t I?

 

Snape and Draco have much more in common with each other than Draco and I do anyday of the week.  Potions, Slytherin, autocratic, elitist etc. etc.  I guess I don’t really have that much to offer Draco.  I did hope that we would be able to talk things through when I got back and, if not put things right, at least stay friends.  It doesn’t look like that will happen now and,if we can’t, I guess I was right after all.

 

I have sent Draco several owls but I have not gotten a response.  I am not surprised, really, just disappointed.  I didn’t let him talk before so its not surprising that he would not want to talk now.

 

This assignment is almost done and I wish I could share some of the details except that there are no details to share.  It seems that this assignment has been nothing more than a monumental waste of time.

 

I did get to see New York City.

 

Holding onto hope,

 

HJP

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

August 20, 2008

 

Draco,

 

Please.  I know I did not give you a chance to talk before, but I really need you talk now.

 

I have heard that you may have found somebody new.  As much as that would break my heart, I can certainly understand that your desire to move on.

 

I am sorry that I did not give you much of chance to talk when I made the suggestion that we separate and dissolve the bond if necessary.  Did you remember that conversation with Pansy I asked you about? I overheard it.  I heard her and Blaise talking about how you couldn’t be possibly be with me unless it was out of some misguided sense of obligation.  You know because I saved you from the fire, returned your wand, saved you from Azkaban etc etc.  I was so shocked that Blaise and Pansy would think such a thing after all the years that we have been together (do they really think that there is nothing more between us?) but I was more shocked when you didn’t have a response.  I guess it's what I get for being a, eavesdropper but here is the thing Draco, I wasn’t with you out of some sense of obligation.  I love you.  I wanted to hear you tell Pansy and Blaise the same thing.  I love you.

 

I love your style, the fact that you are so educated in things that I know nothing about.  I love your eyes in the morning when you first week up and you haven’t put that Malfoy mask that you wear for the rest of the world.  I love that blond hair that is so soft.  I love your silver-grey eyes that look up at me with such passion while I am pushing into you that I feel like I will burn to a crisp when I am in you.

 

I want to feel those things again.

 

Hermione tells me that you are seeing someone at Durmstrang.  Don’t ask me how she finds out these things, but she does.  Isn’t Snape at Durmstrang now? Is it Snape?  It would make sense if it was.  I know that you are connected and share things in ways that you and I never could be.

 

I hope it isn’t Snape.  I hope that it isn’t anybody.  I hope that you will give me a chance to put us to rights.

 

I want a chance to talk with you about good times, the bad times and future times.  I don’t know why I jumped to the conclusions I did Draco.  Maybe it is because of the way I was raised.  You know - the awful childhood I make a point of never talking about.  Maybe it has caused me to have the inability to stay connected to people for any length of time.  I have lost so many people.  Maybe I grabbed onto what Pansy and Blaise said, because it gave me an opportunity to push you away before you left on your own.  You must admit that in a really mental sort of way it is a pretty Slytherin thing to do -- strike first before the other person can.  Of course, a Slytherin would think through all of the alternatives and ramifications before taking action.

 

I really think that’s what I did by pushing you away.  God what a cliche -- you know -- that old saying when someone breaks up with someone, “its not you honey, it’s me....”  In this case, it really was me.  I took what Pansy and Blaise said and twisted it into an opportunity to leave before you could.

 

Please let me know if I have even a ghost of chance of putting this right.  Hopefully Kingsley will pull me from this assignment soon and I will be able to talk to you face to face.

 

I want you to be happy.  I want you to be happy with me though, not with someone else.

 

Hopefully yours again,

 

HJP

 

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

August 21, 2008

 

Dear Severus,

 

I have gotten yet another owl from Harry.  He did hear the conversation between Blaise, Pansy and I.  Of all the times not to have a snappy comeback.  Silence spoke volumes to Harry.  When I didn’t jump to the defense of our marriage, he assumed that it was because Pansy and Blaise were right.

 

He is right though when he says that this is what he gets for listening in on conversations unannounced.  But it shouldn’t be what I deserve.  He should have explained himself and let me explain myself at the time.

 

He wants the chance now.  You will get a laugh out of this.  Seems the owls and visits back and forth from Durmstrang have not gone unnoticed.  People (read Granger) have jumped to the conclusion that I am seeing you.  Isn’t that just too funny? I He thinks it might be you.  Are your eyes rolling again?  Mine sure did when I read that.  Is he only doing this because he thinks I am dating someone else?

 

I am not sure what to do.  Do I want to give him a chance to explain himself?

 

Can we meet for dinner again? As loathe as I am to admit this out loud, I really need to talk this out.

 

Confused,

 

DM

 

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

August 20, 2008

 

Dear Draco,

 

I am not laughing.

 

If you come to talk, make sure you will want to hear what I have to say.

 

Severus Snape

Potions Master

Durmstrang School of Wizarding and Witchcraft

 

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

August 20, 2008

 

Harry,

 

So you are finally coming back to London.  Thank Merlin!  Ron, Rose and I have missed you so much.

 

I know that you have owled Draco, does he know that you are coming back?  Has he agreed to talk to you?  Please forgive me for interfering, you know I only want is best for you, but are you sure you want to talk to him?  I think you should know that it IS Snape that Draco has been seeing.  Don’t ask me how I confirmed it but it seems there has been a lot of floo traffic between Durmstrang and London and Durmstrang and Manor.

 

I may have to obliviate myself after that visualization.

 

Be careful of your heart Harry.  The conversation with Draco may be just as dangerous and filled with just as many pitfalls as any Auror assignment that you have been on.

 

Sending you Roses’ kisses,

 

‘Moine

 

PS

 

Ron says to tell you that he would love to go see an American Football game.  He watched part of a game on the telly and said it was “brilliant.”  He also wondered why nobody had thought of helmets to protect from bludgers.

 

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

August 21, 2008

 

Dear Severus,

 

Maybe you shouldn’t be the one I talk this out with.

 

The fact that you are not laughing speaks volumes and I am not sure that I want to hear what you might be trying to say.  I mean, I care for you but as my godfather, you know?

 

I am going to talk this out with Harry.  Harry is the one who started this and he does want to talk with me, so he (we) should be the ones to finish it if it is something that needs to be finished.

 

Thank you for being there,

 

DM

Malfoy Manor

 

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

August 20, 2008

 

Dear Harry,

 

Yes, we do have to talk.  Pity, you did not think to do that before dropping your little bombshell before running off or moving your things from the Manor (moving your things while I was gone was a particularly gutless thing to do).

 

We need to talk about the doubt you have in me such that you would latch on to what you overheard the conversation between Blaise, Pansy and myself.  We also need to talk about the doubt you have in yourself.  So much doubt that you would throw away one of the best things that had ever happened to you.  Yes, I AM one of those best things.  Why would you throw what we had away?  Why would you throw me away?

 

I thought we what we had was based on friendship that evolved into love.  I know that we come from different backgrounds but I thought we were past all the pureblood vs. muggle or halfblood stereotypes.  I have no idea why you would take what Blaise and Pansy said seriously (don’t even get me started on the fact that you were eavesdropping on a conversation behind a closed door).  You know Pansy is a cow and someone who wants to make sure that if she is miserable everyone else is as well.  Blaise went along to go along I suppose.

 

Having said that, I won’t lie and tell you that I didn’t feel somewhat obligated when you returned my wand.  Christ, who wouldn’t?  You had just defeated the Dark Lord Voldemort with my wand and you returned it.  Returned it to someone that you had no reason to trust, someone with a hideous scar on his arm and who had shown you and your friends nothing but disdain and scorn for 6 years.  I thought we had come so far.

 

Do you think I let you fuck me into the mattress out of a sense of obligation?  That doesn’t really give either one of much credit does it?  And why feel that way now after 10 years just because you heard part of a conversation.  Do you have so little doubt in me -- in yourself?

 

Yes, I remember the good times.  That amazing picnic you talked me into at the beach.  I bitched and moaned about having sand in places on my body that I did not even know existed and all that was forgotten when you charmed my clothes away and took me in your mouth while we were on the beach or when I returned the favor in the bungalow.

 

Or what about that time we rushed to St. Mungo’s when Weasley flooed to tell us that that Rose was on her way into the world?  I think that’s when I realized I wanted a family.  I want a family with you.  I started thinking about the children who had not found homes after the war for whatever reason and how you used to talk about being able to provide a home for them.  We should have done something about that.  We both grew up orphans of sort, you because of Voldemort and me because of my father’s idiotic alliance with him.

 

I don’t want it to be too late to have a family.  I want a family to come home to and someone to share it.

 

I don’t know, Harry, I don’t know if its too late.  You are right, we do need to talk.  Like you, I just hope it is not too late. This whole incident has taught me that love without trust is nothing.

 

Yours, despite second and third thoughts,

 

DM

Malfoy Manor

 

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

August 25, 2008

 

Dear Hermione,

 

I am back in London.

 

The assignment was a complete bust.  We never did run down the wizards that were supposedly trafficking in the Dark Artifacts.  The only good thing to come out of the assignment was being able to see New York City.

 

Draco has agreed to meet with me so we can talk this through.  I am afraid might have really cocked things up this time.  Wish me luck.

 

Anxious,

 

HJP

 

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

August 20, 2008

 

Dear Hermione,

 

I am writing this to you while sitting on beach.  I have a drink in my hand with a funny looking umbrella thing stuck in it.  Its made with fruit juice so I have convinced myself that it is a healthy drink so I can more than one -- probably a lot more.

 

Draco and I had our long overdue talk.  Yes, the incident with Blaise and Pansy ignited the fire, but I am sure that my insecurity would have reared its ugly head sooner or later.  They were the excuse not the real reason that I tried to pull the plug on my relationship with Draco.  Its funny how one thing, one seemingly little thing, can set something in motion events that will affect the rest of your life and the lives of those around you.

 

Draco reassured me that he wasn’t with me out of some misguided sense of obligation or for the purposes of trying to redeem his name.  I reassured Draco that I will try and reign in my doubts before going running off the cliff.  I couldn’t promise him that I would never have doubts -- who can?  But I did promise him what I could and that I would go to him when I was feeling insecure so we could talk about what was going between the two of us.  Draco told me that love without trust is nothing.  He is right.  I have to trust that he loves me and that the reasons he loves me are the right ones.

 

Draco and I would like to have a family -- no,of course we don’t know what we are doing.  Draco is pretty envious of what you and Ron have with little Rose.  As a gay wizard, he never thought he could have a family.  I want that family too.  I want children to pass on the best of the world of magic and the best of both our pasts.  Yes, we both have things in our past that we would rather not talk about, but we can share what we can.

 

Do you think you think you can help?

 

I have to go now.  Someone is licking the back of my neck and something has come up that I need to take care of immediately.

 

Forgiven,

 

HJP

 

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

August 25, 2008.

 

Dear Severus,

 

Thank you.

 

Forgave,

 

DM

 

PS

 

Harry says to say thank you as well.  Not only for helping me but also for passing on the tip about the ring that was passing on the Dark Artifacts. He passed it on to the American Aurors and it led to Lestrange and a band of wanna be Death Eaters that were selling the artifacts to finance a rebellion against the Ministry.  It never really ends does it?

 

~~~~.oOo.~~~~

 

August 26, 2008

 

Dear Pansy and Blaise:

 

Felt obligated to tell you that we are on a beach far far away.

 

In love,

 

Draco and Harry

 

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